Home again, home again

I have been away from home for six days.  I've missed it.  Ive missed my kitties.  I've missed ,y own bed.  And, I've missed my wonderful hot tub.     I used to live and work in D.C.  I haven't missed the D.C. Heat and humidity in August.  I haven't missed the crowds or the traffic.  I do miss having wonderful, free, convenient museums though.   It's been great being in D.C.  Attending Usenix Security 2015 was mentally inspiring.  I also got to catchup with a few (though sadly, not all) of my local friends.  I also got to pop ignominy favorite art museum, The National Gallery of Art.   One more visit for brunch, and then off to the airport.

Cut the cord ... Again

Around the first anniversary of my re-attachment to cable TV, I cut the cord again.     Seriously,my DVR was always full of things that I 'might' watch.  I was watching 2-3 hours of content every day, instead of spending time on things I supposedly valued more than video-drool time.  Plus, the cost was really out of hand.  In order tom get the main channels that I wanted, it was costing me around $70/month, which then gave me access to more content than I needed, which I felt compelled to consume as much if as possible.   So, I am back to my broadband subscriptions (Netflix, Hulk plus, and Amazon Prime). Since I'd be doing Amazon Prime regardless, its base cost really doesn't matter.  I do however periodically purchase content from Amazon that I may not have purchased if instill had cable TV.  Ultimately, the cost is probably a wash because of that.  However, I filmily I am only watching things that I really want tom watch now.  Far less mindless watching.  Still, I should probably cut back for both time and financial reasons.   Perhaps this posting could be the catalyst for a new resolution:  no more Amazon purchases/rentals untilmive watched everything ive purchased in my video library.   That shouldmtake me at least a month.  

Naked picture

Aha! Got your attention, didn't I?

Jennifer Lawrence recently had naked pictures of herself stolen from her iCloud account and leaked to the Internet.  Several people have offered the wisdom that you shouldn't take naked pictures of yourself (or allow others to take them) if you don't want to see those pictures leaked all over the Internet.

I find it reprehensible that hackers feel that it is acceptable to break into anyone's digital life and share what they discover. By the way, most Apple product users who back up their phones (etc.) are backing up their content to iCloud. They are not 'posting' it there. Most do not realize that the 'backup' means that their content is accessible through the web. What hacked users should be more concerned about is the password that they use for iTunes. If the password was that easy to hack, I hope it is not being used for anything else. Also, I hope hacked users aren't just focusing on having their digital content exposed, but are checking their iTunes account for fraudulent purchases.

Everything you type on a keyboard or store on a network-connectable device is at risk. I earn my living as a network security specialist. I tell people, time and time again, to assume that everything you have in electronic format is as public as a postcard as it travels through the U.S. Postal System. And, while encryption of your electronic possessions can gain you some level of protection, encryption is not a panacea. Some encryption algorithms can be broken by a determined and skilled agent. Plus, some trojan software can record every keystroke you make prior to those bits being encrypted by software that resides on your machine.

Remember all the public figures who had to deal with early-career photos coming out after they became famous, pre-digital age?  People used to chastise those celebrities as well, pointing out that they should never have had those photos taken had they not been willing to live with the consequences later.

While I am not encouraging anyone to take naked pictures of themselves, digital or otherwise,   I am not comfortable with the statement "Don't take naked pictures." To me this is too darn close to blame-the-victim statements even if the statements are not meant that way. 

If I routinely leave my backdoor open for a housemate who constantly misplaces their key, and then someone walks in and takes all of our valuables or assaults one of us, I already know that I shouldn't have left the backdoor open.  Believe me, I don't need to be reminded.  In addition, I may take such a statement to mean that people who leave their backdoors open are to blame for whatever happens as a result.

Now, feel free to swap any of the following for "leave their backdoors open": 

• "leave a key under the mat" 
• "wear provocative clothing" 
• "dress like a gang member"
• "stay in a marriage after physical abuse"
• "correctly answer questions in class a lot"
• "drink too much at a party", etc.

Now do you see the naked picture?

Recommitting to healthy eating

This Fall I lost 20 pounds by committing to a pretty basic healthy food regime.  And then the Holiday season hit.  I've gained at least half of the weight back and I still haven't gotten back on the band wagon, really.

The colder months make eating the way I want to relatively difficult, but I know that I will not only drop weight but that I'll feel better if I go back to some form of the plan I was on this Fall.  There's no book or web site that codifies the way that I want to eat.  The plan that probably comes closest is The Paleo Diet.  However, I do plan on eating some of the things that they eschew like some whole grains, legumes, potatoes, and salt.  And while I'll choose organic and local when it's available, I'm not going to spiral into a mega guilt trip whenever I order something at a restaurant because the meal's ingredients aren't organic and local.

The Plan

Here are the basic precepts of the plan I'm going to baby step my way back into (just like I did in the Fall), in order of priority/frequency when considering what to eat:

Fresh fruits and vegetables will provide the bulk of my diet.  Lightly cooked or (preferably) raw.

Fresh-frozen fruits and vegetables (especially in colder months).  Frozen is actually preferred when the food is not locally grown, since frozen produce is picked ripe and frozen close to the source sealing in more of the nutrients than 'fresh' produce that is trucked or flown hundreds or thousands of miles.  In order to maintain the 'freshness' of the produce, it is often sprayed with all sorts of chemicals.

Wild-caught seafood.  Farmed seafood is usually fed processed/unnatural junk and is also highly exposed to pesticides and other chemicals.

Nuts and seeds.

Unprocessed (dry whole) grains and beans.

Eggs.  Preferably from free-range chickens who are not fed a "vegetarian diet".  Chickens naturally eat bugs and grubs.  If they're fed a "vegetarian diet" their food is usually some sort of processed meal not only unnatural to the birds but also usually soaked in pesticides and other chemicals from the growing to the processing of the junk.

Free-range poultry.

Grass-fed meat.

Raw-milk based dairy products.

Cold-pressed oils (primarily Olive and coconut)

Things that I will be avoiding (whenever possible - at the very least, they will not be in my pantry): Processed foods (anything in a box, can, or bag with more than one or two ingredients - especially if the ingredients listed are not the names of whole foods) Refined sugars Flour, of any kind (baked goods are not natural ...  I may treat myself to a whole grain product once in a very great while). Mass-produced dairy products Canned tomatoes.  (Organic-based jarred tomato sauces will be o.k. in moderation)

The hardest thing for me to give up will be the diet soda that I've again let myself become addicted to again. Part of that is the caffeine, part of it is the taste, but the biggest attraction is the bubbles which help breakdown the postnasal drip that I'm always fighting. I will probably go back to using my Soda Stream to make seltzers that I'll flavor with a little juice as a means of weaning myself off the other crud. I do plan on allowing myself some morning caffeine via hot tea.

My sweetener of choice has been some form of stevia. However, after doing some research on that I'm going to switch from the powdered version which is highly processed with suspicious chemicals and is usually combined with some form of actual sugar. SweetLeaf makes a liquid version that is closer to pure stevia. But come Spring, I may actually try my hand at growing my own stevia and making my own suspension. Here's a great article about commercially available stevia which also contains a recipe for making your own liquid stevia suspension: Food Babe Investigates Stevia
.
If this type of plan appeals to you, I would like to recommend 100 Days of Real Food and Slim Palate.   Both are closer to a pure Paleo diet than I am embarking on, but they're close enough for government work, as the saying goes.

My employer has a program through WebMD to help you manage your health goals. I decided to let them coach me. I may also visit a local Naturopath. I previously worked with one who I really liked, but his office was thirty minutes from my house, so it was a hassle getting to him especially when his only evening with office hours overlapped with a lot of activities that I am committed to. Hopefully I can find someone closer with some of the same sensibilities to help me better manage my health.

Wish me luck and especially health!

Pulled the trigger on going back to cable

I've been a tv subscriber again for about two weeks.  It hasn't change my viewing habits much at all.  I refuse to watch live television, unless there is 'news' involved.  Thanks to Comcast On Demand I have been able to catch up with a few shows that I liked but Hulu only carried the most recent five episodes of.  Plus, I can now DVR shows that were only available for $ on Amazon. I am also not allowing myself to spend money on a la cart offerings online any longer.  I also dropped Netflix, since I was only watching one or two things at most per month.  Hulu Plus will probably go as well, though I'm still a bit intrigued by some of their original programming.  Additionally, I like having the clips related to m shows accessible in one place (way better than you tube).  If I want to just watch a particular movie, I am putting it on my canistream.it wish list.

Ultimately, I am probably shelling out more per month, but it is a predictable amount.  Plus, for the next couple of months I'll have access to HBO and Showtime on demand and broadcast programming.  Hopefully, I can catch up with Game of a Thrones, True Blood, and Dexter before the trial period is up.

Bringing back the TV feed into my life?

I have been "TV free" for a year now.  I was spending about $70/month for a modest package of Comcast's television programming. I found myself watching stuff because it happened to be on.  Or, I would use my DVR to record loads of stuff because it sounded like I might enjoy it.  I was spending more time in front of the television than I really wanted to.  Even when I managed to push myself away from the thing I kept thinking that $70/month was a lot to spend on something that I viewed as a vice that kept me from doing other things.  So, I dropped the TV package. 

I started watching video content on Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon.  I tried to watch broadcast TV, but the only major station I could get was ABC, whose programming is well covered by Hulu.  I still watched an hour or two of video content every evening and maybe three hours on each weekend day.  My weekends were quite a bit more 'productive'.  However, I realized that my weekday evenings couldn't be much more productive since my brain was usually fried by the time I got home from work.   The entire arrangement really has been working pretty well.  Every now and then I would lament the lack of a television feed.  I always have to wait a day or more to see the most recent episode of the shows I like,  Plus, there were some CBS shows that were not available, even on a pay-per-episode basis on Amazon.  I don't consider this an actual hardship, just an inconvenience.  Part of me misses the serendipity of discovering new shows or hearing about an upcoming program from a commercial.  The one major thing that I do miss is the ability to easily switch on the news.  Yes, I can get some news through my Roku and over the Internet, but local news is a bit more challenging.  Again, I have an app on my iPad for the biggest NH TV station, but it's not quite the same on some level.

Since moving into my new house and hitting the 1 year anniversary of banishing "the feed" from my TV, I've been reconsidering.  I know what shows I've been willing to pay for "a la carte" on Amazon, and what I've been watching on Hulu and Netflix.  If I resubscribe to "the feed" from some company, I will no longer be purchasing shows via Amazon.  I may give up Hulu as well.  Netflix may get to stay for a while since I have enjoyed some of their original content and I use "CanIstream.it" to alert me when Netflix finally picks up some movie that I've been interested in watching.

I shopped around today comparing channel coverage, features (such as HD and DVRs), and overall costs.  It looks like I'm probably going to go with DirecTV.  With the introductory rate, I could be paying about $49/month for all the features I want and more channels than I need (though this is there lowest level offering).  Beginning with the thirteenth month I'll be paying $76/month.  That will put me back up to what I was paying Comcast a year ago.   The entire thing involves a two year commitment.  So, two years back on "the feed".

I actually tried to sign up online today.  Unfortunately, my house was just recently built so they don't think that I exist.   This means that I'll have to call them to execute the transaction.   Another hurdle.  I'm sure I'll do it, but it does make me wonder if the universe is trying to tell me something here.

Google Reader refugees and other ways to aggregate content

Years ago, I used to read a few RSS feeds on a particular topic.  Someone in my field graciously made a web portal that aggregated the cream of them in a web portal.  A friend of mine remember that and asked me the name of the site, since he has been reading our industry's RSS news on Google's imminently-dead RSS reader service.  After I answered his question, I realized that my response might be valuable to others.  While it doesn't go into much detail, it should give you some options if you've been using Google to keep up with RSS feeds.

1. I don’t remember the exact name of the site that USED TO aggregate some of the more popular RSS feeds.  Even a year before I left the Lab, some of the content on that page was stale and they were missing a lot of really good feeds.  I had pretty much given up on them.
2. I used to also love Netvibes.com.  They allowed you to make your own web-portal/dashboard, that could include RSS feeds.  They have since moved to an app-based model.  Not a bad thing.   See this blog post that talks about why what they did was the right thing to do:  http://richardstacy.com/2011/01/11/netvibes-and-the-shift-from-the-portal-to-the-app/
3. Many RSS feeds are dying off, which played into Google’s decision to give up on its reader functionality. 
4. If you’re still looking for a web-based replacement to Google reader, review this:  http://www.dainbinder.com/2013/04/the-best-web-based-rss-readers.html    However, they don’t mention a pretty popular, cross-platfrom (web/ios/android), alternative:  Feedly.  See www.feedly.com
5. Microsoft Outlook supports RSS feeds, which is only relevant to Windoze users.  Outlook.com (Microsoft's streamlined update to Live.com) does not currently support RSS feeds.  On the other hand,  Outlook.com does seem to be a pretty straightforward web-based mail service.  No bells, no whistles, but just simple/solid basic email.  (Let's hope that they can keep it cleaner than either hotmail.com or live.com were when it comes to spam/phishing/malmail and p0wned accounts.)
6. My ‘reader’ of choice is actually Flipboard (Android/IoS).  It lets you make a magazine out of all sorts of content, including RSS, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, Flickr, on and on).  You know it’s good stuff when Facebook is trying to steal their model, see:  http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2420873,00.asp  (article also makes mention of, and links to an article on, AOL’s beta RSS reader)    

Flipboard needs to figure out a way to take their functionality fully cross-platform, like my favorite PIM (Personal Information Manager):  Evernote (see:  http://www.evernote.com/).   If they don't, Feedly or Facebook are going to overtake them and make them irrelevant (Remember MySpace and Friendster?)

If nothing else, perhaps Flipboard could look into leveraging their current Android development stream as a springboard for working within Chrome.  If Google is not already pushing Chrome development in the direction of "Cross platform virtual mobile desktop", they soon should.  Android is still more popular as a mobile OS than anything Microsoft based, and will only stay that way if they make it so that an app that you use on your mobile device can be used NOT only on a Windoze PC, but also on a Apple-based PC.  That would also be another way for them to outdo Apple, since IoS apps only run on Apple hardware...

Are you listening Apple?  Perhaps it's time for Safari to start acting like a "cross platform virtual mobile desktop".  Feeling that struggle to make "the next big thing"?  It doesn't have to be another piece of revolutionary consumer-based hardware.  You already have a small cadre of Safari users in the Windoze world.  A lot of people love your mobile devices for themselves, but have various personal ($$$) or business reasons for using Windoze.  Not only would you thrill these people and solidify your hold on them by allowing them to run IoS apps in Safari under Windoze, but you'd probably win over some more consumers to your IoS devices if they could use apps in Safari on Windoze that they use on IoS.

With most of our data being stored "in the cloud" apps that run in a "cross platform virtual mobile desktop" may just be the next wave.  Device-independence shouldn't just mean either a cloud-based roaming OS-handcuffed profile or feature-anemic browser-based apps.

Mountain View?  Cupertino?  Are you listening?  We all know that Redmond isn't and probably won't.  After all, they gave up their toe-hold into other OSes long ago when they shrugged off Internet Explorer 5.5 for the Mac.

Am I the only one that sees these opportunities?

Thoughts on book clubs/discussion groups

I recently read a blog post about 'book clubs'.  My first thought when I saw the title of the post was that the author was going to talk about things like the "Book of the Month Club" and such.  However, she meant those groups of people who read the same book and then get together periodically to discuss the book they all read.   The post somewhat maligned the selections of the book clubs she was familiar with.  She didn't directly attack all such groups, but she did seem to feel that she wouldn't be comfortable with joining such a group since it was doubtful that they would be reading selections she would like.  I was compelled to comment, based on my own experiences moderating such a group that meets monthly at my church (though you don't have to attend the church to attend our meetings).

I noted that I moderate a book group and offered my observation that each group is different.  For one, we don't call ourselves a 'club' because we don't want people to feel excluded or that they have to 'join the club' to stop into one of our meetings. 

Secondly, we read all over the map.  We try to make sure that we read some non-fiction, something 'classic', and one speculative fiction (re: science fiction-ish) work every year.  We're very picky with our choices in general.  The selection has to be about a topic worth discussing. Our choices are usually more 'literature' than 'fiction'. Many have usually been on the bestseller listings at some point, so they're not to stuffy or difficult to get through.  Plus, we have a page limitation; we try to keep our choices to under 400 pages so that most people can get through the book within the month between meetings.

We also limit our meetings to a single hour.  The group is primarily for people who want to talk about books, not to socialize.  If attendees want to socialize with each other, they are free to make arrangements to do so outside of our (ahem) 'sacred' hour devoted to books.  We typically discuss the current selection for 30-45 minutes and then spend the last 15 minutes discussing potential future reading choices.  Sometimes the selection wasn't worth discussing for more than 10 or 15 minutes.  Sometimes we find ourselves still discussing it when the hour is up.

I have been with this group for over a decade.  When I moved 25 minutes away from our church, my love of that group was one of the things that helped me decide to stay with that church instead of switching to the church (of the same denomination) that is less than two miles from my house.

Meeting with others to talk about a book is not for everyone.  The author of the blog article that inspired this post equated such discussions with traveling back in time to her high school English class, analytically dissecting boring books that one was forced to read.

I admit to a certain amount of rebellious reticence when reading something that someone else has deemed that I 'have to' or 'really must' read the book.  However, everyone in our book group has a say in what we read.  If you don't want to read something that someone suggests you have the right to say 'no', but you have to offer an alternative that the group might read instead.  We did this after realizing that some people would say 'no' to virtually anything others offered but rarely chimed in with alternatives.  It's tough finding something that most of us might want to read, so we put the rule in place.  (Several of us equate it with a management philosophy that we've encountered in our professional lives:  "Don't come to me with problems.  Come to me with solutions.")

If you've ever thought about joining a book group/club, but you had reservations about how the group might operate or what the group would read.  There is a solution.  Start your own group!  Come up with a few sentences about what the group would be like and the kinds of things that they would read.  Print up a few notices and tack up copies in local bookstores (especially used book stores) and local libraries.  If your town has a local adult education program, you might be able to promote your group through them.  If you belong to a church, they may be willing to let you use a room in their building to meet and would probably love to promote your group in their own newsletters.  If you live in an area with few readers, there are tons of places online to 'discuss' books with others.

Happy reading!

Frightening signs of my failing mind

I have always been more than a bit cocky about my memory.  Historically, I have always had excellent retention.  Events, names, numbers, details of movie/book plots, etc.  While not photographic, I felt that I could rely on my memory and trust it thoroughly.  Until recently.

My increasing exhaustion over the last few years could, in and of itself, be eating away at my ability to remember things.  However, Lyme is known for playing havoc with one's mental abilities.

I started feeling the real impact when I couldn't remember whether or not I'd taken various medications and supplements.  I hated having to rely on an external management system, but I ended up getting some of those pill containers that say "A.M./P.M." on them.  I try to line up all my medications for the day at the same time every morning. I've accepted this.

I rarely go to the ATM for cash or to deposit checks.  Most of my banking is done online.  Last week, I needed to grab some cash.  When I put my card in the machine I started to enter my PIN.  After I put in the first digit I wavered.  I was pretty sure that I knew the second digit, but I was not certain.  Each subsequent digit was even more vague in my mind.  After three attempts the machine told me that my access was locked and that I would have to go into a bank to have the card unlocked.

Fortunately, the bank was still open.  When I get to the teller I explained the situation.  She said that she could unlock the card for me but that she had no way of telling me what my PIN actually was.  I asked her if I could reset the PIN to something I knew that I would remember.  She said 'no'.  She did offer to have a reminder mailed to me.  I agreed that it was a good idea.  I cashed a check to myself for the money I needed for the next few days and went home.

The next evening, I needed to go online to pay a bill that had come in the mail.  My online banking password did not seem to be working.  The system offered to let me set it.  I decided to go through with the reset.  Unfortunately, the process involved typing in my elusive PIN! 

I realized that resetting my ATM card had also reset my online banking access.  I knew that I would just have to wait until the reminder form came in the mail. 

When the reminder had not come four days later, I returned to the bank.  The teller explained to me that the reminder would arrive 7-10 business days after I requested.  ARGH!  No access to my bank account, except through the lobby, until I 'rediscovered' my forgotten PIN.

To settle some of my paranoia about the state of my account, the teller printed off the last 15 days worth of activity for me.  I checked it over and everything seemed in order.  However, I was still frustrated with myself over the stupid PIN.

Luckily, the reminder came in the mail the very next day.  When I opened the envelope and stared at the PIN I realized that I had merely been reversing the middle two digits on my first attempt the week before. 

I now have a safe place to store the paper reminder.  I also have it stored electronically in my password vault application (no, I'm not telling anyone what the application is).  The application is becoming more and more valuable to me as I try to better secure my online identity by using varying usernames and secure and unique passwords for every site that I access.  This increase in data in my life comes at an inopportune time, since my memory is becoming more and more unreliable.

I am frightened at the prospect of losing more of my mental faculties to this disease.  Becoming senile has always been a great fear of mine.  While the mental symptoms of Lyme are not the same as senile dementia, the overall impact to my life could end up being the same.  I do not want to become mentally unable to manage my own life or engage in life on my own terms. 

I seriously need to find a way to stop the progress of this disease.  If I can't, I will not allow it to turn me into some useless life form.

You can please some of the people...

Last night I met a friend for dinner in Nashua. We both wanted to take enjoy the Nashua Winter Stroll. It's a lovely event. All the major downtown streets are closed off. Stores stay open until 10pm. Public buildings, churches, and larger stores all host musical performances. There's a tree lighting and an ice sculpture demonstration in front of city hall.

Several friends who attended said that the event was a boring bust. I had a wonderful time. Those of us who had fun jokingly said that it may have been the company they attended with. They retorted that they had no idea that there were performances going on inside the building. Seriously? Not only was there a downloadable schedule of events, but virtually every store and restaurant had a printed copy near the front of the establishment. If you didn't have a good time, you simply were not trying to!

All the walking around didn't do my chronic pain any good at all. I was extremely sore for at least the last two hours I was walking around. I had my cane with me, but it didn't matter. Anyone else would have left when the pain got severe, or would have opted not to attend an activity that was destined to guarantee an excruciating outcome. However, I have modified my life style so much already over the last few years that I stubbornly refuse to detach myself completely from things I enjoy. I do make some compromises but sometimes I refuse to give into the plaintive voices of the various pains that intrude on my life.

One of the things I needed to take care of this weekend was writing up an announcement for my church newsletter regarding the upcoming titles selected by the book group that I moderate. I've been with this group for a decade. There are six core members, with a few others who move in and out of our orbit.

Our reading choices are all over the map. Our primary focus is literary fiction, but we usually pick up a classic, a science fiction, and a non-fiction title throughout the year. We try to keep our selections under 400 pages, so that everyone can finish the book in a month. We used to have a hard and fast rule that the book had to be "in print" and "in paperback" so that the book was easily available to most who wanted to participate.

Last month we picked a relatively current novel that wasn't available in paperback. When we selected it, the folks who were present decided that it was fine to pick a hardcover as long as it was available in the library since several people never bought the books but always got them at the library. When we met to discuss the book, it turned out that a few of our library-folks hadn't been able to get the book from the library because it had been so popular.

There was some discussion that we should probably avoid "brand new" books since that would make it tough to get them at the library. Our October book had only been out since the end of July. Someone suggested a book for January that had also come out at the same time. The library-folks guessed that it would be fine by then. The state library system has seventeen copies, plus another four in large-print.

For most of my tenure with the group, I have been the primary person recommending books for us to read. More than half the time my choices are shot down. Some of the people who shoot down my choices occasionally make suggestions of their own. So long as we have choices that most of us want to read, I don't care who makes the suggestion.

I tend to recommend titles that are available as audiobooks, since that's the primary way that I 'read'. Once or twice, I have suggested a book that I knew was only available in paperback because it sounded like a good read and worthy of discussion. That last part is sometimes a challenge as well. Just because a book is an enjoyable read, doesn't mean that it will spawn a good discussion.

Last week I suggested another relatively new book for February. Four people chimed in that it sounded like a good choice. This morning, one of the library-folk, Carol, said that it sounded good but that it might be too new to get from the library in time. I decided to check the state library catalog for the book's status. There were seven copies within the system and all were currently checked out.

I founded myself simultaneously bummed and annoyed with the situation. Carol had a point. The book came out in mid-October. February would only be four months after publication. However, here's where my annoyance kicks in. Carol has never suggested something for the group to read, and she didn't offer an alternative this time. So I found myself responding quickly with a bit of venom, which I tempered in the end to hopefully open up the discussion and engage the group in deciding its own operating principals going forward. Here are the questions that I asked and the final point that I made:

• If we stick to the "paperback" rule, are we assuming that library copies will be readily available at that point?
• Do books need to be available in e-reader format?
• Do books need to be available from Audible?
• If we ditch the paperback rule, how many copies of a book need to be available in the GMILCS system with how many months lead time to assure that the most people in our group will get the chance to read the book before we meet?
• We do want to make sure that we're reading things that are accessible to the most people. But, we also want to make sure that we are reading things that sound interesting to the most people.
• Library readers: PLEASE SUGGEST BOOKS YOU THINK WOULD BE GOOD FOR THE GROUP!

Before receiving Carol's email, I had sent out another book suggestion. In my response to Carol, I pointed out that THAT book was available in paperback but was NOT available in the library system. I truly hope that this interchange with Carol inspires some discussion from the group. I want this group to be of interest to more people, so I don't want to shut down anyone's opinion or stymie their ability to participate. On the other hand, I truly dislike people who are quick to criticize but rare to offer up alternatives themselves. It's far easier to say 'no' than to put your own opinion out there for the judgement of others.

Vegan Thanksgiving

Since I'm trying to be kind to my liver while I pump it full of even more supplements this week, I'm eating vegan, and avoiding processed foods as much as possible on top of that. That means that a lot of my traditional Thanksgiving foods will be missing today. So, I'm trying to make some foods that are interesting or treat-worthy. I plan on making a variety of things that I can munch on for the next couple of days, just like a 'normal' Thanksgiving.

• Cranberry Sauce (I will be using some raw sugar to help thicken/set it)
• Roasted Squash w/Cardamom
• Roasted Brussel Sprouts
• Salad
• Chantarelle Mushrooms, sauteed with garlic, parsley, and onions in butter (Must be 'butter', after all these are Chantarelles!)
• Red beans and red rice, Caribbean style (except that I'm using red rice)

Another tradition that I hope to indulge in is not food related. This morning I'm going to try to tune in on the Macy's parade, even though TV reception here is tough. Then, while I have my dinner I'm going to watch "Dan in Real Life" and/or "Pieces of April". Happy Thanksgiving!

Preparing to wallow in the 'ick'

Last Sunday and Monday I felt utterly awful. Headache, nausea, intestinal weirdness, and general 'ick'. I had been taking two new sets of supplements for several days and suspected them. So, Monday I did not take them. Tuesday, I did not take them. By Tuesday afternoon I almost felt like me again. Wednesday, I did not take them. I was definitely back to being me. On Thursday night, I added the least suspicious supplements back into my routine. Friday and Saturday as well. No 'ill' effects. So, yay. The other supplement that I held off on is recommended for liver support/detox. I initially took 2 in the mornings on an empty stomach (well, except for the other 6 pills that I take in the morning on an empty stomach). With all the drugs and supplements I am taking, and the fact that I may actually be experiencing some toxicity from the die off of the Lyme bugs, I do need to help my liver along. Unfortunately, if the liver does its job it will spew some toxins into my system so that they can make their way out. My naturopath warned me that if the Lyme started dying off, I could feel worse before I felt better. So, I am hoping that last week's episode was a good sign. However, I couldn't afford to be as ill as I was last Monday for the rest of last week. So, I've decided to reintroduce the Vital Nutrients Liver Support II (with Picrorhiza) into my system this week. This morning and tomorrow morning I will just take one of them. From Thursday on I'll go for two pills. To help my system deal with the potential flood of toxins, I decided that I needed to detoxify my diet as much as possible. So long as I have an appetite, I will be eating fruits, vegetables, legumes, nuts and whole unprocessed grains. This means that I will be cooking for myself a lot, and hopefully eating a lot of raw food as well. Since I do need to 'work' today and tomorrow, I need to keep taking my Adderall to stay productive and focused. However, to give my system a break from at least one drug, I plan on staying off all amphetamines for the holiday weekend. I had plans to join some friends on Thursday, but decided that it was better not to 'plan' on doing anything this weekend. There are things I want to try to do. but that will all depend on how I end up feeling. At the very least I'll probably be sluggish and feeling a little 'ick'. Though I am mentally prepared to feel utterly wretched. While planning on making myself ill may not sound like a great way to spend Thanksgiving weekend, if this helps rid me of the Lyme buggers I will have something to be thankful for.

Fifty

A few weeks ago, I turned the ripe old age of fifty. Leading up to the actual birthday I would occasionally ponder 'the meaning' of such a significant birthday. Why is it significant? Fifty is just some number, divisible by five and ten

Does it mark the half way point of life? Statistically, I probably reached my half way point more than ten years ago.

AARP was gracious enough to offer me membership. Now I get lots of advertisements for medicare supplemental insurance, medical devices, and independent living facilities.

Other than that, do I get any benefit from turning 50? Not really. It just means I'm that much closer to retirement.

One of the things that I've noticed in my aging ruminations. I've looked around at my neighbors and younger friends. From my perspective, their lives remind me of busy busy bees or ants. Running here, running there. Pursuing mates. Shepherding children to activities. Striving in their careers. I'm not judging them. I'm just so glad to be passed all that. I've met all those goals that I cared to. What are my goals now?

I want to retire before I'm too broken to enjoy my leisure. I have no great aspirations for traveling the world or becoming some super charged senior volunteer. I just want to live a quiet existence where I can read, learn, and observe the world, and hopefully enjoy the company of good friends. It may sound boring to many, but to me it sounds like heaven.

Gunky and Funky

I'm getting pretty tired of the constant post-nasal drip that I have been dealing with for the last three weeks.  The sore throat comes and goes as well.  Then there's the general 'blech' feeling after taking various handfuls of pills throughout the day. The headaches have been less bothersome recently (crossing fingers here).

I have still not noticed any physical improvements yet.   However, I am still cautiously optimistic.  I appreciate the fact that it should take at least a full two months of antibiotic treatment to rid my body of the spirochetes.  I do not expect that their mere death with reverse all the damage that they have been the root cause of many annoying health issues.  The first things that I hope to notice is a reduction in my inflammation response and/or an increase in my general energy at that point or soon after.

I will probably modify my diet for a few weeks to something akin to a mild and gradual detox regimen, to help get any remaining Lyme toxins out of my system along with any crud leftover from taking strong antibiotics for a long period of time.  Late Fall and early Winter are not fabulous times for getting fresh fruits and vegetables.  However, some of the larger grocery stores do seem to have a good selection of fresh organic (carbon-heavy shipments from around the world) and frozen organic produce to pick from.  If I go off the antibiotics right after Thanksgiving, the timing will be challenging with all sorts of holiday food lying about.

My mood in the last week has been kind of funky.  I am mostly a positive person these days.  However, life's challenges do get to me eventually.  Dealing with chronic health issues is a big psychological burden of course.  Some personal challenges have also been eating at me this week (lingering financial challenges being caused by medical expenses, parenting doldrums watching my son drop out of college - perhaps for good, mediocre social life, feeling like my current home is an albatross in my life that I can't get rid of, feeling alone in all of it).

This week should be interesting.  I'm only working through Wednesday.  I've taken off Thursday and Friday to commemorate my 50th birthday.  I plan on getting a massage and generally pampering/indulging 'me' next weekend.  On Saturday I hope to meetup with some acquaintances/friends for lunch and arcade time in the earlier part of the day, and then a group of us are meeting up for a screening of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show".  Most of us are planning on dressing for the event, and we'll of course have props with us to interact with the flick.

While I will appreciate the company of the dozen or so people who will be sharing my birthday with me, none of them are 'close friends' or 'family'.  I find myself really missing having regular interaction with people that I feel a strong bond with.  I grew up an only child with a parent who had no real family ties of her own.  When I went to college and met some good friends, I felt like I was building my own kind of family.  Then I married into a family who seemed to embrace me wholeheartedly.    I also picked up a few good friends during the early part of my career.  I chose to move away from my college friends (and work buddies) for a number of reasons.After my divorce, my ex's family washed their hands of me.  The friends I have made since the move are a diverse and busy group of people who I see irregularly.  Good people, all, but we don't have as much invested in each other as my group of college friends and I do.  Part of me wants to move to be closer to some of the folks from that group.  But another part of me says that I should figure out a way to cultivate deeper friendships in the region that I want to continue to live in.

I think that 'big birthday' is adding to my funky mood.  I plan to post something just on my feelings about turning fifty later this week.    I'd love to know if anyone is reading this tale or if it's wholly an archival exercise never to viewed again.

Headaches are us?

I used to get tons of headaches, sometimes even migraines.  A few years ago the frequency dramatically decreased.  Eventually I put it together that my headaches decreased in frequency and intensity with the onset of menopause.  So, yay!

As I previously mentioned here, I've been waking in the wee hours with a headache that may be related to an increase in teeth grinding.  Then again, it may be yet a byproduct of the spirochete die-off.  This morning, I woke to the worse one yet.    I hadn't taken an antihistamine last night before bed, like I've been trying to do lately, in case the "cold" symptoms are because of allergies.  So, I took one then.  Headache is still here a bit.  I need to get on the exercise bike, but I've been trying to wait out the headache.  Getting your heart rate up when you have a headache is a bad idea.  I've done it.  Not enjoyable in the least.

I didn't have any particular plans for today, since I knew being in training last week was going to take a lot out of me.  Now I feel like I need to do something 'productive', even though I really am still exhausted.  Hopefully, I can find some small-energy endeavors to appease my 'productivity gods'.  I'm already feeling blue enough right now (because of K's revelation that he may not go back to college).  If I go to bed tonight without feeling like I've somehow improved the state of my home, I will REALLY get depressed.  Maybe that's inevitable at this juncture.  A lot has been going on lately that has not made me feel good about the universe. 

Yes, yes.  I know.  Let me pull out my mantras.  I have a great paying job doing (mostly) stuff that I enjoy.  People at work seem to even respect me and seek my input (sometimes to my chagrin ).  I am no longer in a toxic relationship.  My son is healthy.  I just closed out a pile of (partially foolish and partially unavoidable) consumer debt that was a drain on my well being in numerous ways.  I have a comfortable home that I can afford to be in. I am better off in many ways than most people on the planet.

Unfortunately, it is difficult to overcome the wiring of suffering.  I try not to wallow in the negative aspects of my life.  Though it seems that anytime some fresh unexpected disappointment enters, it reawakens the others who preceded it.  I suppose it's like adopting a new crying baby when you just barely convinced your other young children to go to bed a reasonable hours and not to continuously cry through the night seeking your attention.

There's another reason to find some way to be 'productive' around the house.  So long as I am 'doing' something, it's easier to ignore the crying children in my head.

Harder before it gets easier?

I get to stay home all week and get paid for the privilege.  I'm doing an intensive online training course.  The organization that is running it decided to hold classes on Central Time to be fair to attendees from all over the country.  The regular class runs from 10 a.m. until 6:30 (EST).  We are given a half hour break, and then there are evening sessions that run from 7 p.m. and 8 or 8:30 pm.  Since I normally get up around 4:30 a.m. and work from 7 a.m. until 4 p.m., this is throwing my system off.  I'm also running into scheduling conflicts with some of my normal after-work activities.

While one would think that I would be physically feeling better to be able to stay at home, mostly sitting in my comfy living room chair, you would be wrong to assume so.  I have a good set up at work.  Plus, I change positions a great deal by walking to the cafe or the restroom, or going to meetings, or just walking around when I need to.  This class is not scheduled around my body's need to take breaks.  There are hard breaks at the top of the hour for 5-10 minutes.  Lunch is an hour.  (At work, I hit the gym for just over an hour, making up the time at either end of the day.)

The classes typically involve computer-based exercises.  I have a poor history with making it through all of their exercises without running into technical difficulties.  This time around has been no exception.  Since we're playing around with some hacking tools, we need to be able to shut off our anti-virus software.  My organization has ours locked down pretty tightly.  I can probably uninstall it (but then I'd have to locate the package on our disorganized network to get it reinstalled) or get the admin password (though that might take a couple of days).

With my illness and my normal level of fatigue because of it, I'm having a hard time keeping the momentum going every day.  We're also supposed to have class on Saturday.  It's an all day team-based exercise.  In past years, the curse has carried over to the last day's exercises in spades.  With my health being a bonus feature this time around, I wrote the instructor and told him that I probably would not be able to participate on Saturday.  Part of me feels like a wuss for bowing out.  On the other hand, I need to accept that I do have some limitations.  I desperately need my weekends to recuperate from a normal work week.  There is no way that I can give up my Saturday after THIS week.

One of my "normal after-work activities" of late has been getting a B-12 shot from the doctor who is treating my Lyme Disease.  For the last week or so, I have been suffering from cold-like symptoms in the evenings.  I do have seasonal allergies but I've never had a sore throat like this before, on top of the sneezing and post-nasal drip (which is also pretty bad right now).  I was wondering if it could be a side effect of my antibiotic.  The doctor said that it could be but that it was most likely just a Fall allergy thing.

I had a dentist appointment on Friday.  I was late to it because of a screw up at the car dealership, where I was supposed to be "in and out in 15 minutes".  Anyway.  The hygienist said that I am grinding my teeth, which is why a couple are getting sensitive and also might explain why I'm waking in the middle of the night recently with a headache.

Are we having fun yet?

When I started treatment for the Lyme, my doctor warned me that about three to four weeks into treatment I might feel physically worse as the spirochetes started dying off en mass.  I'm not sure if I've entered that period or not.  Maybe I'm just having a really crappy week.

Bad allergy, cold, or Doxycycline

I am taking 400mg/day of Doxycycline to treat my Lyme Disease.  While I normally have some post-nasal drip due to various allergies, the past few weeks have been really bad on the 'gunk factor'.  On top of that, I have a sore throat a good deal of the time and I sometimes get moderately congested and sneezy.  Last night I thought that I had the beginnings of a cold.  This morning I feel a little better as far as the sneezing and congestion go.

Also, in the last few weeks I have been getting headaches while I am sleeping.  I usually wake up an hour or so before the alarm goes off.  Lately, I've woken to a moderate headache.  I've been taking acetaminophen and then going back to bed to sleep until the alarm goes off.  The headache has been either less annoying or gone when I wake.


I have an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday for a B-12 injection.  I plan on mentioning these annoyances to him at that time.  I have been on the Doxycycline for just over two weeks now.  While I didn't expect to see any improvement to my Lyme symptoms yet, I wasn't expecting these particular side effects.  It's not enough to want me to give up the antibiotic.  I just want to make sure that these are possible side effects and not something else going on.

Cross purpose supplements

My latest set of pill-popping dilemmas involves supplements. 

Until I started taking the antibiotic, I was taking a mineral (calcium/magnesium/zine) supplement at bedtime.  The magnesium was supposed to be helping with some of my muscle pain issues and with some sleep issues.   However, I'm supposed to avoid taking in any calcium for at least two hours after I take my antibiotic.  I have to take one dose of my antibiotic with dinner.  I often go to bed less than two hours after eating dinner, since I get home after 6 most days AND the Adderall makes me unhurried about eating any way.

I had been taking St Johns Wort in the morning, since it doesn't like calcium (which I had been taking at night).  So, the first change I made was to switch those around.  I now take the St Johns Wort at bed and the calcium in the morning, at least an hour before breakfast so that it doesn't interfere with the antibiotic.

I am taking two different probiotics to help make up for the good flora that is being killed off by the antibiotic.  I need to take these on an empty stomach so that they hang around in my system and don't just happily eat the food in my stomach.

I just started taking a supplement (serrapeptase) that helps the antibiotics work by attacking the biofilms that the Lyme spirochettes surround themselves with.  It is yet another pill that I need to take on an empty stomach.  Since I am not sure how it will impact the efficacy of the probiotics I am taking, I'm trying to take them an hour apart from each other.

Also, I try to take my Adderall as soon as I get up in the morning to help wake me up and make sure that it is mostly out of my system by the end of the day.

Basically, this means that I'm taking five pills when I get up and then two pills an hour later.  Which also means that I cannot eat breakfast until at least two hours after I get up.  At that point the Adderall has kicked in, so I may not be all THAT interested in breakfast.  However, I have to have a good sized breakfast to take the antibiotic.  (See previous post on the cross purpose drugs.)

Sometimes I think about the amount of pills I take and remember Joan Cusack's character from the movie "Toys".  Turned out that she was a robot of some sort, but at every meal she would take a bunch of pills and put them between two slices of bread and eat her "sandwich".  Not a very popular movie, so I couldn't find a YouTube clip to share unfortunately.

Cross purpose pharmaceuticals

In order to combat my Lyme disease, I am taking two hefty doses of an antibiotic that must be taken with food.  If you don't have a good amount of food in your stomach it is highly likely that you will vomit.  In addition, I have a powerful NSAID that I should take several times a day that has the same warnings.  That one I have actually experienced twice.  The first time because I assumed that the warning was on the same level as taking Ibuprofen, which I can gobble up on an empty stomach most of the time without any ill effects.  The resulting nausea and vomiting from my mistake taught be a lesson about heading warnings on prescription pharmaceuticals.  The second time it happened it wasn't because I had taken the pill on an empty stomach.  I learned that "with food" meant a SIGNIFICANT amount of food. 

Part of the disease symptoms that I have to deal with is my constant sleepiness, regardless of how much sleep I get.  I went through a sleep study in July that showed that there is nothing abnormal, or 'non restful', with my sleep patterns.  I was labeled with Idiopathic Hypersomnolence (meaning:  no known cause sleepiness).  To fight the sleepiness I started taking Adderall.  It's an amphetamine.  Amphetamines sap your appetite.  Part of me was looking forward to taking this in hopes that it would help me shed some pounds.  Unfortunately, I'm taking several drugs that are at cross purposes.

The Adderall diminishes my appetite.  I can easily skip breakfast when I'm taking it.  On the other hand, I need to eat a reasonably solid breakfast and then dinner to take two of my other drugs.  I have cut down on my snacking quite a bit since starting the Adderall, so I have dropped a couple of pounds.  However, it does kind of stink that I can't take full advantage of one of it's side effects to REALLY drop some weight.

By the way, when I get ready for bed, one of the drugs I take is a muscle relaxant to minimize the stiffness and potential for muscle spasms that can happen when I sleep.  I have actually injured myself, causing inflammation that takes days to weeks to recover from (see yesterday's post about injury recovery).  Usually the Adderall is out of my system by bed time, but the muscle relaxant is at cross purposes to it as well.

"Better living through chemistry" right?

What is your pain level right now?

As a chronic pain sufferer, I am used to answering the following question from medical providers on a regular basis:

On a scale of 1 to 10, what is your pain level right now?

Days like today present a quandary.   It depends on the absolute definition of the word "pain".  (No, no, not "is" or "sex" or "It!") 

Nineteen months ago I slipped on a patch of ice in front of my house and severely damaged the soft tissue in my left shoulder.  Scans showed that there were no tears to any ligaments, tendons, or other mappable structures.  After six months of physical therapy we decided that it was as 'back' as it was going to get.  Unfortunately, this did not leave me with a healthy shoulder.

Part of my chronic health issue over the last seven years has been chronic inflammation.  If I sustain any sort of injury, it seems that I will be plagued by that injury on some level until my dying day.  The left shoulder is a prime example of this scenario.  Every day it at least aches to a certain degree.  Some days it straight out hurts.  Even so, in comparison to other pains that I have struggled with, the chronic shoulder pain rarely merits more than a 7.  However, the shoulder situation is about more than just "pain". 

Usually there is more of a sense of discomfort.  The joint feels swollen in some way.  It can feel better to hold my arm straight up, especially if I bend at the elbow and rest the weight of the arm on my head (nice image, right?  I've gotten some seriously odd stares at the office over this.)  There must be some swelling involved since, at its worse, my left hand feels a bit 'off' and my bicep may feel achy as well.  However, it's not all inflammation since my prescription NSAID only dampens the discomfort a little.  And, it's not strictly pain either, since taking the max dose of my non-opiate prescription pain relievers barely warrants a footnote when the shoulder is really acting up.  Usually both drugs together can  tune the discomfort down a notch or two so that I can get through the day.

USUALLY.  Today is not one of those days. 

If I were to step back and analyze "the pain" in my shoulder right now, it probably would warrant a six.  Right there, in the front of the shoulder.  SIX.  Six isn't that bad, right?

Except it's not just that spot where it definitely "hurts".  It's about all the discomfort in the surrounding tissue, into my bicep, and down to my hand.  THEN, there's the fact that my pelvic girdle is a bit achy today, as is my low back.  On top of that I know that when I get up from this chair, both thighs are going demand my attention with their multiple maddening small to midsized complaints.

It's all additive.  I logically know that all of it together is not as distracting and intolerable as the worse pain that I've ever experienced (tie between gallbladder attack and labor).  Still, when the dozens of bits conspire together you want to be able to quantify the sense that you can barely catch your breath from moment to moment for want of screaming.  Mostly, it's just below that or I wouldn't have been able to write all of this.  Though I did have to stop and refocus myself too many times to count.  Each time I take several deep breaths and try to dispel the cacophony of all those co-conspirators bouncing around in my head.

This is just one example of what it's like to live with chronic pain.  I am so glad that every day is not quite this bad.  Today is one of those days where I contemplate taking up prayer to a deity that I cannot believe in.  Oh, how I wish I could.  If I could pray, I would pray that the Lyme diagnosis and treatment will at least keep the discomfort from reaching this volume  ever again.  I would like to believe that I could make all (or at least most) of the pain go away.  But my skeptical wiring won't even let me hope for something that seems too much like a fairytale.

If you see me and I seem in good spirits, do not assume that it means that I am not in pain.  Also, if I am not showing it, do not ask me about my pain.  When I look fine, I'm doing my best not to think about it.  So please, please, don't remind me.  If I look miserable or distracted, feel free to ask me how I am doing.  Or if I need to talk about it and I trust you enough, I will bring it up. 

The last thing I want is to have my pain define my relationship with others.  Days like today it is hard for even me to remember this, but I am more than this pain that I live with.  Every day.  Every hour.  And sometimes, every minute ... to minute ... to minute.