Thursday, March 27, 2008

Announcing the next diet craze

Recently, I watched a show on the Food Network which was filmed in some asian country. The host of the show had gone out on a fishing boat with some locals. They would catch fish by using cormorants. These pelican-like birds who had their wings clipped, so they couldn't fly away. The birds would dive underwater to catch fish, but would find that they couldn't actually swallow their catch because the fishermen had clamped these annoying ties around their necks. The fishermen would then reach into the birds mouths and retrieve the fish. The still-hungry birds would dive to try to catch more fish.

I think I have stumbled upon the next big diet fad: a device that keeps you from swallowing your food. Admittedly, unlike the cormorant, humans chew their food turning it into really small particles. So, a simple noose or ring around our necks wouldn't prevent us from swallowing food. Maybe I could develop a surgically implantable strainer in the back of the throat that would keep all but the most microscopic food particles from reaching the gullet?

This really isn't a unique concept. People who go on marathon wine tastings typically taste and then spit out their beloved liquids. I just want to transfer this concept to the realm of the food lover. Yes, I realize that bulemics sort of do that. I just think puking really negates the pleasurable experience of tasting the food.

I really don't like to puke. I really enjoy tasting and chewing delectable bits of food. I suppose that swallowing could be made optional, and I'd still be pretty content as well as much slimmer.

Maybe I missed my calling. Maybe I should be a food taster for public figures. Then again, they want you to actually swallow the food to see if it's going to kill you. So, as long as the food doesn't kill you, it still has the potential to make you chubby.

Maybe I should become a bird. After all, the lucky little devils do get to consume multiple times their body weight each day. And, as parents, they chew up their food and spit it into the grateful expectant mouths of their chicks. I could really get behind that. Sadly, I don't think I could get my human son to agree to the practice. Besides, he really doesn't like as many foods as I do, regardless if they've been pre-chewed or not.

In addition to coming up with the cool throat-sieve, I should come up with a catchy name for the diet craze it'll spawn. The Cormorant Diet? That's probably more market-friendly than The Chew and Spit Diet.

Besides, the later kind of reminds me of one of my favorite modern children's books: Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. The story focuses on the town of Chewandswallow, where various weather patterns bring a variety of food from the skies. Yup, my kind of town.


barbie2be said...

hey, as long as letting the chocolate melt in my mouth was part of the chew and swallow diet, i would play along. :)

Julie said...

Julia Child once jokingly recommended that if worst came to worse, you could chew and enjoy your food, then spit it out.

Well, I think she was joking. I'm not sure. :)

Cobwebs said...

The short story that the movie A.I. was based on (which you can read here) involves a company whose best-selling item is a robotic tapeworm. It sits in your intestine and absorbs most of what you eat, so you can eat as much as you want and never gain weight.

The idea is rather chillingly plausible.

briwei said...

I think the name is very catchy. I'm not sure how appealing the idea will be. I think you are better off trying to go the Willy Wonka route. Create a four course dinner in gum. Just watch out for the blueberry pie. ;-)