One cannibal looks at another cannibal and asks, "Does this clown taste funny to you?"
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Friday, March 28, 2008
A feast for cannibals
One of my all time favorite stupid jokes:
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Thursday, March 27, 2008
Announcing the next diet craze
Recently, I watched a show on the Food Network which was filmed in some asian country. The host of the show had gone out on a fishing boat with some locals. They would catch fish by using cormorants. These pelican-like birds who had their wings clipped, so they couldn't fly away. The birds would dive underwater to catch fish, but would find that they couldn't actually swallow their catch because the fishermen had clamped these annoying ties around their necks. The fishermen would then reach into the birds mouths and retrieve the fish. The still-hungry birds would dive to try to catch more fish.
I think I have stumbled upon the next big diet fad: a device that keeps you from swallowing your food. Admittedly, unlike the cormorant, humans chew their food turning it into really small particles. So, a simple noose or ring around our necks wouldn't prevent us from swallowing food. Maybe I could develop a surgically implantable strainer in the back of the throat that would keep all but the most microscopic food particles from reaching the gullet?
This really isn't a unique concept. People who go on marathon wine tastings typically taste and then spit out their beloved liquids. I just want to transfer this concept to the realm of the food lover. Yes, I realize that bulemics sort of do that. I just think puking really negates the pleasurable experience of tasting the food.
I really don't like to puke. I really enjoy tasting and chewing delectable bits of food. I suppose that swallowing could be made optional, and I'd still be pretty content as well as much slimmer.
Maybe I missed my calling. Maybe I should be a food taster for public figures. Then again, they want you to actually swallow the food to see if it's going to kill you. So, as long as the food doesn't kill you, it still has the potential to make you chubby.
Maybe I should become a bird. After all, the lucky little devils do get to consume multiple times their body weight each day. And, as parents, they chew up their food and spit it into the grateful expectant mouths of their chicks. I could really get behind that. Sadly, I don't think I could get my human son to agree to the practice. Besides, he really doesn't like as many foods as I do, regardless if they've been pre-chewed or not.
In addition to coming up with the cool throat-sieve, I should come up with a catchy name for the diet craze it'll spawn. The Cormorant Diet? That's probably more market-friendly than The Chew and Spit Diet.
Besides, the later kind of reminds me of one of my favorite modern children's books: Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. The story focuses on the town of Chewandswallow, where various weather patterns bring a variety of food from the skies. Yup, my kind of town.
I think I have stumbled upon the next big diet fad: a device that keeps you from swallowing your food. Admittedly, unlike the cormorant, humans chew their food turning it into really small particles. So, a simple noose or ring around our necks wouldn't prevent us from swallowing food. Maybe I could develop a surgically implantable strainer in the back of the throat that would keep all but the most microscopic food particles from reaching the gullet?
This really isn't a unique concept. People who go on marathon wine tastings typically taste and then spit out their beloved liquids. I just want to transfer this concept to the realm of the food lover. Yes, I realize that bulemics sort of do that. I just think puking really negates the pleasurable experience of tasting the food.
I really don't like to puke. I really enjoy tasting and chewing delectable bits of food. I suppose that swallowing could be made optional, and I'd still be pretty content as well as much slimmer.
Maybe I missed my calling. Maybe I should be a food taster for public figures. Then again, they want you to actually swallow the food to see if it's going to kill you. So, as long as the food doesn't kill you, it still has the potential to make you chubby.
Maybe I should become a bird. After all, the lucky little devils do get to consume multiple times their body weight each day. And, as parents, they chew up their food and spit it into the grateful expectant mouths of their chicks. I could really get behind that. Sadly, I don't think I could get my human son to agree to the practice. Besides, he really doesn't like as many foods as I do, regardless if they've been pre-chewed or not.
In addition to coming up with the cool throat-sieve, I should come up with a catchy name for the diet craze it'll spawn. The Cormorant Diet? That's probably more market-friendly than The Chew and Spit Diet.
Besides, the later kind of reminds me of one of my favorite modern children's books: Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. The story focuses on the town of Chewandswallow, where various weather patterns bring a variety of food from the skies. Yup, my kind of town.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Meme> Things I have done
It's been a while since I did a meme. I like list memes, probably because I'm in love with list making. I think I will start posting more lists. In the meantime, I liked the list over at A Summer's Day.
I've bolded the things that I have done on the list. Considering the mishmash of positives and negatives on the list, I'm not sure how I feel about being able to claim so few.
I've bolded the things that I have done on the list. Considering the mishmash of positives and negatives on the list, I'm not sure how I feel about being able to claim so few.
- Bought everyone in the bar a drink
- Swam with wild dolphins
- Climbed a mountain
- Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
- Been inside the Great Pyramid
- Held a tarantula
- Taken a candlelit bath with someone
- Said “I love you” and meant it
- Hugged a tree
- Bungee jumped
- Visited Paris
- Watched a lightning storm at sea
- Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
- Seen the Northern Lights
- Gone to a huge sports game
- Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
- Grown and eaten your own vegetables
- Touched an iceberg
- Slept under the stars
- Changed a baby’s diaper
- Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
- Watched a meteor shower
- Gotten drunk on champagne
- Given more than you can afford to charity
- Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
- Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
- Had a food fight
- Bet on a winning horse
- Asked out a stranger
- Had a snowball fight
- Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
- Held a lamb
- Seen a total eclipse
- Ridden a roller coaster
- Hit a home run
- Danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking
- Adopted an accent for an entire day
- Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
- Had two hard drives for your computer
- Visited all 50 states
- Taken care of someone who was drunk
- Had amazing friends
- Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
- Watched whales
- Stolen a sign
- Backpacked in Europe
- Taken a road-trip
- Gone rock climbing
- Midnight walk on the beach
- Gone sky diving
- Visited Ireland
- Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
- In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
- Visited Japan
- Milked a cow
- Alphabetized your CDs
- Pretended to be a superhero
- Sung karaoke
- Lounged around in bed all day
- Played touch football
- Gone scuba diving
- Kissed in the rain
- Played in the mud
- Played in the rain
- Gone to a drive-in theater
- Visited the Great Wall of China
- Started a business
- Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
- Toured ancient sites
- Taken a martial arts class
- Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
- Gotten married
- Been in a movie
- Crashed a party
- Gotten divorced
- Gone without food for 5 days
- Made cookies from scratch
- Won first prize in a costume contes
- Ridden a gondola in Venice
- Gotten a tattoo
- Rafted the Snake River
- Been on television news programs as an “expert”
- Gotten flowers for no reason
- Performed on stage
- Been to Las Vegas
- Recorded music
- Eaten shark
- Kissed on the first date
- Gone to Thailand
- Bought a house
- Been in a combat zone
- Buried one/both of your parents
- Been on a cruise ship
- Spoken more than one language fluently
- Performed in Rocky Horror
- Raised children
- Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
- Passed out cold
- Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
- Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
- Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
- Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
- Had plastic surgery
- Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
- Wrote articles for a large publication
- Lost over 100 pounds
- Held someone while they were having a flashback
- Piloted an airplane
- Touched a stingray
- Broken someone’s heart
- Helped an animal give birth
- Won money on a T.V. game show
- Broken a bone
- Gone on an African photo safari
- Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
- Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
- Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
- Ridden a horse
- Had major surgery
- Had a snake as a pet
- Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
- Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
- Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
- Visited all 7 continents
- Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
- Eaten kangaroo meat
- Eaten sushi
- Had your picture in the newspaper
- Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
- Gone back to school
- Parasailed
- Touched a cockroach
- Eaten fried green tomatoes
- Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
- Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
- Killed and prepared an animal for eating
- Skipped all your school reunions
- Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
- Been elected to public office
- Written your own computer language
- Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
- Had to put someone you love into hospice care
- Built your own PC from parts
- Sold your artwork to someone you didn't know.
- Had a booth at a street fair
- Dyed your hair
- Been a DJ
- Shaved your head
- Caused a car accident
- Saved someone’s life
Friday, March 21, 2008
Totally frivolous use of a huge hard drive
A few weeks ago, I purchased a wonderful 750GB external hard drive. We have TiVo and I use my desktop computer as remote storage for shows that I want to save. I mean, after all, my TiVo only stores about FORTY HOURS of programming. ... Yes, I know that's a lot. However, last year we recorded two entire seasons of "Star Trek: Voyager", and we sometimes record movies that we've been meaning to watch which aren't readily available at Blockbuster.
OK. I know I'm rationalizing here. But here is the ultimate frivolous, TiVo-related, use of this grotesquely large hard drive:
We do not subscribe to any of the premium cable channels (HBO, SHOWTIME, CINEMAX, etc.) This weekend, HBO and Cinemax are free. So, we're basically recording about 60 hours of movies and off-loading them to my hard drive periodically. This way, we have a little library of 'on demand' programming of our own design. No driving to the video store. No waiting for the movie to arrive in the mail. No paying to buy it (even used). We have over twenty movies queued up to record this weekend. Most of them are movies that we've been wanting to see. Some are flicks that we'd consider picking up if we noticed them in the video store.
We do get Encore and Flix, and we've started gathering a little stock pile from those two channels. After the writers' strike, we truly appreciate having a stock pile of things to watch. With the new hard drive, I could easily stockpile over 500 hours worth of movies and still have room to back up photos and music files. ... I wonder if I should have sprung for the full terabyte?
We are SO indulgent.
OK. I know I'm rationalizing here. But here is the ultimate frivolous, TiVo-related, use of this grotesquely large hard drive:
We do not subscribe to any of the premium cable channels (HBO, SHOWTIME, CINEMAX, etc.) This weekend, HBO and Cinemax are free. So, we're basically recording about 60 hours of movies and off-loading them to my hard drive periodically. This way, we have a little library of 'on demand' programming of our own design. No driving to the video store. No waiting for the movie to arrive in the mail. No paying to buy it (even used). We have over twenty movies queued up to record this weekend. Most of them are movies that we've been wanting to see. Some are flicks that we'd consider picking up if we noticed them in the video store.
We do get Encore and Flix, and we've started gathering a little stock pile from those two channels. After the writers' strike, we truly appreciate having a stock pile of things to watch. With the new hard drive, I could easily stockpile over 500 hours worth of movies and still have room to back up photos and music files. ... I wonder if I should have sprung for the full terabyte?
We are SO indulgent.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Maybe I don't exist?
I decided to take today off from work to do some minor errands and what not. One of the things that I had hoped to accomplish was to apply for my passport.
I managed to get the appropriate photographs taken at my local AAA office. I filled out the form completely. However, when I examined my birth certificate, I realized that I have never actually laid eyes on my honest-to-goodness validated birth certificate. The crumbling and torn certificate that I have carted around with me for decades is a "Notification of Birth Registration". It lists my birth name and date on it and the file number of my actual birth certificate. However, it is not embossed with a raised seal (like an office birth certificate would be) and it does not list the legal name of my mother or the place of my birth.
The document was valuable when I was in public school since it listed all my inoculations on the reverse. And, it has been good enough to establish citizenship for every job change I have effected in the last two decades. It also was sufficient documentation to prove my citizenship when applying for my security clearance a few years ago. However, it is insufficient to get me a passport.
So, I did accomplish something else productive today. I mailed off for two validated certified copies of my birth certificate from the city of Baltimore. I look forward to seeing what the official document says about me. A long time ago, my mother mentioned that she did not list my biological father on the document. It's no secret who he is. However, at the time, she did not want to link him with my birth.
Many times, I have officially listed his name on official documents recording my official identity in all its subtle nuances. If his name is not actually on my birth certificate, does that make me subject to fraud charges? (Due to certain family circumstances, I doubt that he'd offer to amend the document if he is not listed. That's a very long and somewhat painful story.)
Additionally, I have listed my paternal half-brother on legal documents as such. Without a legal document (ie, my birth certificate) backing up my claim that T is my brother, does that additional claim constitute fraud?
So, while I need this silly embossed/certified/validated document to prove my identity to the Department of State, I am highly curious what else it reveals about me. Well, at least the 'official' me.
I KNOW who I am on an existential level, so no bit of bureaucratic flotsam is going to change the real me. It just increases my curiosity regarding the 'me' that is documented out 'there'.
I managed to get the appropriate photographs taken at my local AAA office. I filled out the form completely. However, when I examined my birth certificate, I realized that I have never actually laid eyes on my honest-to-goodness validated birth certificate. The crumbling and torn certificate that I have carted around with me for decades is a "Notification of Birth Registration". It lists my birth name and date on it and the file number of my actual birth certificate. However, it is not embossed with a raised seal (like an office birth certificate would be) and it does not list the legal name of my mother or the place of my birth.
The document was valuable when I was in public school since it listed all my inoculations on the reverse. And, it has been good enough to establish citizenship for every job change I have effected in the last two decades. It also was sufficient documentation to prove my citizenship when applying for my security clearance a few years ago. However, it is insufficient to get me a passport.
So, I did accomplish something else productive today. I mailed off for two validated certified copies of my birth certificate from the city of Baltimore. I look forward to seeing what the official document says about me. A long time ago, my mother mentioned that she did not list my biological father on the document. It's no secret who he is. However, at the time, she did not want to link him with my birth.
Many times, I have officially listed his name on official documents recording my official identity in all its subtle nuances. If his name is not actually on my birth certificate, does that make me subject to fraud charges? (Due to certain family circumstances, I doubt that he'd offer to amend the document if he is not listed. That's a very long and somewhat painful story.)
Additionally, I have listed my paternal half-brother on legal documents as such. Without a legal document (ie, my birth certificate) backing up my claim that T is my brother, does that additional claim constitute fraud?
So, while I need this silly embossed/certified/validated document to prove my identity to the Department of State, I am highly curious what else it reveals about me. Well, at least the 'official' me.
I KNOW who I am on an existential level, so no bit of bureaucratic flotsam is going to change the real me. It just increases my curiosity regarding the 'me' that is documented out 'there'.
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